Surviving the Night: Festivals (NSFW)

Surviving the Night: Festivals (NSFW)

Warning: Drug references throughout 

So here you are pressing through the heavily guarded barriers desperate that the 20 bag you picked up from the shady dude near Sainsbury’s is both legitimate and won't get the sniffer dogs up in a frenzy. Yes the first festival, an activity that is slowly becoming a rite of passage for the budding, music obsessed generation, where ket is about as common as the dirt you step through and you’ll definitely need a piss maybe about half way through the first set of the artist you’ve sat through two hours of shit you’ve never heard of. Festivals are the breeding ground of anarchy and madness for some unknown reason as the so called disillusioned youth participate in activities considered clandestine by the public at large. So if you're still reading then i assume you are here to learn how to not spend what could be some of the wildest days of your life too fucked off a menagerie of toxins to even leave your tent.

1. Real Estate

The first step is prime real estate so getting to the stomping ground you’ll call home early is highly suggested and setting up some kind of defensible perimeter of tents is always a must should you have enough stoners, alcoholics and ket heads in your party as you want to make sure every coked up dumb-ass doesn't stumble into your encampment and accidentally char-grill themselves on your fire.

2. Sniff, smoke and bubble oh my

The next step is intoxicants and I think it's fair to say you'll be taking a nice even mix of whatever the guy in the next tent over is selling despite what you told your mum as you hopped on the megabus. Now I don't mean to sound like reefer madness but do be careful to begin as I know downing that full bottle of vodka you hid in a warburtons loaf then huffing down a line of ket followed by a chunk of blow and a packed biffty seems like the best idea since the wheel but we go back to the fact that unless you take it relatively easy you're going to be spending the next three days curled up in a sleeping bag staring lifelessly at the polyester ceiling trying desperately to ignore the vivid hallucinations that seem oddly joyous at your state of despair. It’s fair to say that drugs are pretty easy to get a hold of in the desolate wasteland and another point you’ll want to keep in mind is that not everything is legitimate in the land of no rules so be carefull when your group forks up £120 for a massive bag of flour or £20 for a big packed bag of oregano so always test the shit before you go throwing money away for something you can get for like a tenner at asda.

3. Clean yourself up!

Cleanliness is key to modern life, but as you're currently spending a few days in a place Mad Max wouldn't know how to survive in, forget about being clean for the next few days. While that shower that you take at the end of it all feels like bliss, have a slight prohibition on getting rid of that layer of grime and dirt that will remain on your skin, despite your intention on pulling that fit blonde two tents down (worry not she probably hasn't bathed since she got here either.

4. The reason you're here

Now let's move onto the reason you've pitched your protected nylon fortress, bought enough coke to kill Rick James and have trodden through miles of peat and mud. The bands. While the round the campfire hi-jinks, copious drug use and general misendeavours all add up to the overall  estival experience, there simply wouldn't be said festival without the bands and due to time constraints and the fact by nine in the morning you're already on your third joint and fifth beer and can’t find your shoes, despite them already being on your feet, you are gonna have to pick and choose which artists take your fancy the most. You should stick to your guns, you're going to want to dance to some of your favorite tunes after all, but don't be afraid to stretch your wings a little and check out that random band from Rome the have some good production work going on behind the shit lyricism or the unintelligible lyrics.

So that's the craic with surviving festivals for all you 14-16 year olds who just can't wait for Leeds to roll round so you can pretend to all your mates that you’ve taken loads of cocaine before and yeah of course I know Modeselektor they’re British right.


Written By Jonnie Knights

Sam Greig | Spotlight Session

Sam Greig | Spotlight Session

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